BREAST CANCER...no longer taboo.....

I have been fortunate to meet a fellow breast cancer survivor. I long to give her a hug and tell her we're survivors because we BELIEVED we would be. She, however, lives on the other side of the ocean in a little village in Northern England! But her spirit, her zest for life is evident every time we talk via FB's chat function. I'd like to introduce this soul sister to you so when you have a moment be sure to check her blog for some of her inspiring words Itch2stitch
Last evening we were discussing how Breast Cancer and being a 'victim' of it was once taboo as subject matter in 'polite' society. Keeping things 'hush-hush' has probably killed more women in the past than anything else. Being open about your battle with cancer is essential to letting women know it does not mean a death sentence and keeping quiet because of fear is no longer an option. I've seen too many women in my life who refused to go to the doctor after they found 'the lump' because they were afraid it might be cancer. In some cases it was but in the majority it turned out to be nothing more than a fluid filled cyst. In one tragic case it was advanced cancer and had she just gone when she told us about it she would not have suffered the trauma she did.
As for myself...I'm to blame for not taking charge of my own health. When the doctor told me in January of '04..."Oh, those are just your cystic breasts" I should have suspected something. I've NEVER had cystic breasts. But since the soft squish lumps didn't hurt I waited 6 months before returning for another look. At that point he took it seriously and got me in to the local Breast Center for an immediate mammogram and biopsy. The diagnosis...ADVANCED cancer of the ducts that was doubling every 100 days. I could have used all of those months to be seeking care but his off handed manner and my trust kept me from seeking a second opinion. If I had gone in January of that year I would still have a right breast but as it is, I still have my life and that, my friends, is more important than any ounce of flesh I may own.
So what's my point here? Take charge of your health and your breasts. Do monthly exams while taking your shower. Notice any and all changes in your breasts. If you suspect even the tiniest little thing has changed go immediately to your gynecologists office and if he says: "Let's keep an eye on that", tell him to remove it, put it in a bottle on his desk and keep an eye on it that way. If you're 40 and have never had a mammogram, get one. If anyone in your family has ever had breast cancer you should be seeking special attention from your doctor and possibly have a scheduled mammogram prior to age 40. The new mammograms that are available are not like slamming your breast in a car door. They're much more comfortable and the fear of pain should NEVER be a good reason not to go for one. We've all been too dependent on the men in our lives our male doctors included. So this is a call to take charge of your life and your health. Stand up for yourself, take responsibility and ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT NO MATTER WHAT...YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!

Job

Why is it that I can get up in front of a thousand people and give an off the cuff speech or even a eulogy but put me on the phone with someone who is looking for/offering a job and my knees turn to vanilla pudding wobbly? When I decided to accept my son's offer of a Job with his company:



I was told it was going to be as a creative/marketing consultant finding new ways to promote BrokersBullpen.com. Well that sounded just ducky because I worked 12 years as a promotional copywriter for a large local newspaper. Then when he heard me on the phone negotiating my way out of a cancellation notice with either the car insurance company or the electric company he decided that I'd make the PERFECT new phone contact person for stockbrokers looking for a new position and broker/dealers looking for new reps.

Well you know how it goes. Sounded easy when he gave me my new job description because I've never been afraid of public speaking. But put a freakin' phone up to my ear and I go all sweaty. My hands are even shaking! Now THIS is just NOT me...I thought I was invincible...after all I kicked breast cancer's ass so good that the doctor who told me I only had a slim chance of recovery still goes red in the face when she sees me in the hospital for new scans. I obviously didn't stay with her...I don't like anyone telling me I can't do something :) And btw...the new scans I had last week came back clean and I'm now FOUR years and counting out from breast cancer...Yay me!!!

But I digress. What is it about a telephone and an unseen person that gives me the willies? I never have a problem with phone negotiations over cut off notices but this cold call deal is a killer. Especially the one guy who was gruff...he reminded me of my Dad and I felt like I wanted to throw up my oatmeal, excuse the visual image I just gave y'all. I'll keep at it, of course. My son is the reason I still have a roof over my head so I owe him big time. I just wonder at my timidness ... it just doesn't feel like ME!

Falling on Hard Times

Cleaning out my documents file I came across a .doc I'd written just over three years ago. Interesting perspective I had then and little has changed over the last 1,104 days but my faith. I am a stronger believer in a higher power than I was when the downward spiral began eight years ago. My level of empathy has also continued to spiral upward. No longer do I look at a poorly dressed woman dragging tired and worn clothing out of a dryer and think "Why doesn't she buy something new"? When I see an overweight woman my first thought isn't "How could she let herself go like that". The first thought when I see a bald woman is no longer one of repulsion but compassion.

So even though my circumstances haven't changed much, my viewpoint has and for that I am profoundly grateful. I have survived cancer, poverty and depression and still I am not defeated nor wallowing in self pity. I no longer measure time by man's clock but by that of a much higher power whom I am certain has amazing things in store for me.

June 12, 2006

I’ve often thought that if elected officials were forced to live as I have over the last five years, the middle class would be growing instead of disappearing. Healthcare for the masses would be a reality, not an impossible dream and those that sit in the seat of power would be doing more than warming their seat.

Since reality shows seem to be all the rage today, imagine a series where a Congressman, Senator or President was stripped of their cash and told they had to find a way to pay the mortgage, health insurance and utilities without the benefit of a regular paycheck. They would be forced to rely on wits not welfare. There would be no paycheck coming in at the end of the month but a guarantee of a mailbox full of final notices. Personally, I think it would be a phenomenal hit that would grip the country and keep them tuned in week after week. Should a producer decide to develop a reality series like that I’d be more than glad to be their technical advisor!

As incredibly stressful as the last five years of pinching pennies has been, it has given me a perspective that I would never have gained from the backseat of my limo. Having actually said to a driver ”Home James” (yes, his name was actually Jim) to be car-less is unimaginable to some but survivable by most. I went from riches to rags in a less time than it takes to grow a beefsteak tomato. How this happened isn’t as important as how I survived and eventually thrived. And wondering how the next mortgage and health insurance is going to get paid has left me with a strange sense of comfort. I’ve come to trust in a force much greater than myself and have handed over the illusion of actually being in control of my life.

DECISION 2009

I woke up this morning tucked cozily under my new microfiber blanket and heating blanket with the late autumn sun shining brightly in my south window. It was only 17 degrees in Jersey last night which is unusual for this time of year. Since our heating system hasn't operated in five years we've been heating with a wood stove. Sometimes that heat doesn't quite make it down to our bedroom before the door gets closed at night. So the air around my bed was definitely nippy.

Stretching like one of my four contented cats I decided to turn on my side and enjoy a few more moments of warmth before I hopped out of bed and into my long johns. During those moments I thought about where my life is and where I'd like it to be in six months. And I finally made a decision that I've postponed for a year. In the late spring I am going on a much needed sabbatical. Four months of rest, creativity and much needed introspection IS going to happen this time.

We have a 15 year old fifth wheel trailer that is in relatively good shape. At least it was when we closed it down in the fall of '07. It's parked lakeside in a campground in the heart of Pennsylvania's Amish country. I had planned my escape for May 22 through September 17 of this past year but with fuel prices and the lack of a working vehicle I needed to let the dream that had guided me through the winter of '08 become just another broken one. This time I AM going to do it. I'll be 60 in April. 60 is the new 40 and since I didn't get much chance to enjoy that decade of my life I'm going to give myself a do-over.

I have always been available and ready to help my friends and family no matter the day, the hour or my own plans. This time I'm going to be selfish and give myself this special time. I think the fact that I went through metastatic breast cancer successfully without a whimper, at least in part, entitles me to some "ME" time alone.

So once again I'll start my plans for that precious time alone. Time to get healthy. Time to lose the 50 lbs. that came with menopause and chemo meds. Time to paint, photograph and blog about my life. Time with my best pal, my sweet furry love Sebastian.

And when May arrives and the trip looks like a bust AGAIN, I will at least have spent my winter planning, looking forward to days of warmth and solitude and I won't remember these mornings of ear chilling cold.

MY FIRST BLOG AWARD

PERFECT TIMING! Friday 11.13 was my first gallery show in 12 years and on that day I was nominated for my first blog Award by Leslie of the Flowers of Life.

She called me “An insightful passionate Artist” and in IMHO that is the highest compliment that can be paid. I’d like to believe that my journey through breast cancer has made me insightful and there is no doubt that I am PASSIONATE about my art. For that fact, any ART! It’s what got me through my darkest days of chemotherapy and gave me hope that at the end of the journey there would be new life and new friends to enjoy!

The Marie-Antoinette, A Real Person, A Real Award comes with several caveats; you must:
1. Please put the Marie-Antoinette logo on your blog
2. Place a link to the person from whom you received the award
3. Nominate at least 7 or more blogs
4. Put the links of those blogs on your blog
5. Leave a message on their blogs to tell them.
Fortunately that's not hard because over the last ten years of posting on the web I've met some incredible PEOPLE. So my awards go to the nominees on my Marie Antoinette Blog list. See it on the top of the right column.

BLESSINGS and Pink Ribbons!!!

I recently added someone new to my life. A buyer of my art who shared her dream of one day being able to paint herself. When I responded to her I said in part... "I've learned since breast cancer that tomorrow is never a promise and today is the day to make dreams come true...so go for it and enjoy"!

She has read my blog and my about me page and my world pages on eBay. By reading them she said that she could see how even through adversity one can find happiness. And she's going to start painting! And that my friends is the greatest blessing of all. Being a light in the darkness of someone's life and giving hope when one is feeling hopeless.

Perhaps this month I'll share my story of breast cancer. Since October is the official Pink Ribbons month it may be time to do just that. For now I'm off to bed with a prayer that tonight I'll get the sleep I've been longing for. God Bless!

Happy New Year!

To all the Jewish doctors and nurses who held my hand during my cancer journey I send best wishes for the Happiest of New Years!

And in that same spiritual vein I want to offer up thanks for the blessings that have occured in my life over the last few weeks. We've been able to find new health insurance and have reduced our monthly costs from a killer $1808.77 down to an almost manageable $768.00. And today we got a call finalizing the re-instatement of our mortgage so now I will have a roof over my head when our own New Year's celebration takes place.

God is good and works in His own time. Unfortunately for us we are usually running on a different timetable. However, faith will always see you through. My favorite verse says it all: Matthew 21:22 "If you believe, you will receive, whatever you ask for in prayer".(NIV)

Today was spent working on my dessert jewelry. The cupcake and ice cream cone earrings are coming along nicely and I should have a few pair to post by the weekend. I've also got a few ready to be made up as pendants. Close friends are the only ones who will remember that I used to be a free-lance designer with Polyform Products, the makers of Premo polymer clay. Up until my breast cancer surgery in '04 that was the only outlet for my creativity. I put it aside because I was concerned with the fumes from the baking and the possibility of ingesting the pvc from the clay itself. But I find that there is no better modeling material to perfect these earring designs so I went back to the clay and have been happily sculpting all kinds of yummy creations in miniature.

I haven't yet started to color them but I'm thinking that the watercolor technique I've perfected for non-porous surfaces should work well with these. I can't think of any other way to get the strawberry cones to look edible and not plastic. I'll post by the end of the week and let y'all be the judge.