Falling on Hard Times

Cleaning out my documents file I came across a .doc I'd written just over three years ago. Interesting perspective I had then and little has changed over the last 1,104 days but my faith. I am a stronger believer in a higher power than I was when the downward spiral began eight years ago. My level of empathy has also continued to spiral upward. No longer do I look at a poorly dressed woman dragging tired and worn clothing out of a dryer and think "Why doesn't she buy something new"? When I see an overweight woman my first thought isn't "How could she let herself go like that". The first thought when I see a bald woman is no longer one of repulsion but compassion.

So even though my circumstances haven't changed much, my viewpoint has and for that I am profoundly grateful. I have survived cancer, poverty and depression and still I am not defeated nor wallowing in self pity. I no longer measure time by man's clock but by that of a much higher power whom I am certain has amazing things in store for me.

June 12, 2006

I’ve often thought that if elected officials were forced to live as I have over the last five years, the middle class would be growing instead of disappearing. Healthcare for the masses would be a reality, not an impossible dream and those that sit in the seat of power would be doing more than warming their seat.

Since reality shows seem to be all the rage today, imagine a series where a Congressman, Senator or President was stripped of their cash and told they had to find a way to pay the mortgage, health insurance and utilities without the benefit of a regular paycheck. They would be forced to rely on wits not welfare. There would be no paycheck coming in at the end of the month but a guarantee of a mailbox full of final notices. Personally, I think it would be a phenomenal hit that would grip the country and keep them tuned in week after week. Should a producer decide to develop a reality series like that I’d be more than glad to be their technical advisor!

As incredibly stressful as the last five years of pinching pennies has been, it has given me a perspective that I would never have gained from the backseat of my limo. Having actually said to a driver ”Home James” (yes, his name was actually Jim) to be car-less is unimaginable to some but survivable by most. I went from riches to rags in a less time than it takes to grow a beefsteak tomato. How this happened isn’t as important as how I survived and eventually thrived. And wondering how the next mortgage and health insurance is going to get paid has left me with a strange sense of comfort. I’ve come to trust in a force much greater than myself and have handed over the illusion of actually being in control of my life.

WISDOM

Where does wisdom reside. Surely not in the teeth we receive in our 'old age. Today's man/woman usually receives them with a rush of pain because it was our prehistoric ancestors who needed them, not us. There is no room for those big teeth to fit in modern day man's mouth. So we live with them and finally experience the pain of ignoring them or we have them wisely removed before they cause a problem.

Today my daughter had hers removed. She's lived with them for years but suddenly last week they made themselves known, painfully! And now the biggest problem is...a co-pay of $463 that wiped out her bank account. And Mom, who would do anything to save her children pain or unhappiness can only stand by and cry because she can do NOTHING to help her. I can't kiss the boo boo and make it go away and I CAN NOT give her money to buy food for the next two weeks. Because Mom is so broke she can't even buy food for herself.

How did I get here? Surely not when my wisdom teeth were removed quite painfully forty years ago. But somewhere along the route of these last 40 years I never learned how to keep money in my pocket. I learned to put it into the pocket of many, many people along the way. Because I love to buy, buy, BUY and now all I have to show is an empty wallet, a house full of stuff and a daughter who I can not help because I can not help even myself.

But tonight I met a young woman named Bev on Twitter. Quite unexpectedly she popped into my life at a time I needed to hear what she had to share. Here is a portion of our tweets:

Bev: Lord, I pray you meet the financial needs of Your precious child NOW in the Name of Jesus. AMEN
Bev: He ALWAYS hears our prayers. "I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him & honor him." (or her) Psalm 91:15
Bev: Keep praying. Resist the urge to get frustrated, give up. Been there, done that! What Scripture are u standing on?
Me: Matthew 21:22 If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.
Bev: Do you repeat multiple times a day until it becomes part of you? That's how you get thru the "testing season"
Me: Years ago international prayer saved my life when the Drs. gave me a 40% chance to survive. I BELIEVE in prayer.
Bev: Praise the Lord! Remember, faith moves mountains. WORK the WORD until you get a breakthru.

So from Atlanta, GA an unknown woman entered my life via cyberspace and through her words of Him I have received a renewal of MY faith. The Lord sure knows how and when to bring new people into our lives just when they are needed most. So tonight I make a promise to myself. I will renew my faith in prayer and I will pray for the wisdom that somewhere along the way I misplaced.

Coincidence or Fate?

I've been battling with my authentic self for weeks, nay months! on what my artist voice should be singing. I have gone back and forth looking at the various online sites to see what was selling; could I do that and did I want to?

Yesterday through a series of coincidences, I now believe in a Universal plan that I had misplaced somewhere along the way to making my art be profitable. I've tried various styles, mediums, surfaces...anything that was selling that I thought I could do as well if not better than the person who was selling it. I got confused and lost and my voice became a squeak in a depth of the blackest night. I was well and truly lost. And being confused is not the way to a healthy mental or physical lifestyle. Especially when one has already been through cancer and needs to keep healthy and stress-free.

It came to a head when I accepted a spot in a one night all out gallery bash in my old home town. I agreed instantly because I was sure it would finally help me decide on what I was 'supposed' to be painting. After 7 weeks of going back and forth and looking at my work I could not find a single thing that was consistent between the pieces other than I had created them with the same paintbrushes and paints. They were a mishmosh of every artist I have ever admired! Holy Cow! Now I knew I was in trouble because gallery night was four nights away and OMG what was I going to do.

Walking about my house and its hidey holes of supplies and such I came across a box of pieces I'd done back in 1996. 1996 was a definitive year for me for a lot of reasons. Not the least of which was I found myself in a position that Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Edwards have occupied. And as surely as Mrs. Edwards would have sworn on her husband's faithfulness I swore on mine. You know the old saying about the wife being the last to know. It isn't a saying, it is a truth.

Anyway, I found the work I had shown that year. The last year I had a gallery show, the last year I was my true and authentic self. Holding those pieces in my hands I rediscovered myself. How refreshing and how peaceful it is to finally look into that artistic mirror and see your true self looking back at you.

So I have put aside all of those pieces I have painted over the last weeks and months and pulled out of storage the true and authentic artist I knew was hiding somewhere behind the curtains of my doubt and uncertainty. The pieces may or may not sell come Friday night. But the crowds will be friendly, the wine will be great and the work will finally be...authentic!