Just one of those days

I find that whenever I'm at a crossroads in life my thinking naturally tends to become dark and depressive. The more I obsess over negativity the more I attract it into my life. I'm addicted to depressive thinking...just think what I MIGHT accomplish if I thought happy thoughts...boggles the mind just to consider it.

I think the majority of us are mired in negativity. How can we not be? All we have to do is turn on the TV or radio. It's rarely the happy news hour. We hear of death, destruction, earthquakes, fires, missing women and abused children. So how do we take that bad news, push it aside and break through to a happier place? I know of only one way that works for me. I immerse myself in a new project. Usually one that centers around creating something new. Doesn't even have to be of an artistic nature. It can be as simple as changing things around on the fireplace mantle to reflect a change of seasons.

When my Dad passed away in May of 1998 I was devastated. He was such a creative thinker and so full of knowledge. Then I read "When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground." To memorialize him I started a newsgroup in October of '98. It was dedicated to bringing together polymer clay artisans of all levels of talent. Today, that group is still alive and the oldest polymer clay group on yahoo. While I no longer lead it, the woman I passed the reins to has done an exceptional job of keeping it a positive and sharing place.

I also bought a domain where I intended to teach others to work with polymer clay. It never took off. Mainly a money issue followed quickly by my discovery of a lump in my breast. Breast cancer changed my life in ways I could not even envision at the time. Most of them positive but once again the negativity still abounds at times. It's then that I go into my 'turtle' mode. Friends know when I'm 'turtling' because they won't hear from me for days or weeks on end. Most of the time it because I'm re-evaluating my life or the direction of that life.

Over the holidays I once again turtled for awhile and then something happened that changed my mindset and may in time change my life. I saw an ad on Facebook that was promoting an online classes in mixed media called "Mixed Media Melange". I was fascinated but knew I couldn't budget it. Two Facebook friends took it upon themselves to pay for that class and as I blog this I'm awaiting video class #3 to be uploaded. I'm having a great time creating for creation's sake and not as a way to earn money.

This class has stirred up a lot of unresolved issues. The main one being what I started out thinking I'd be when I grew up. An art teacher or a dress designer were top contenders. I was conflicted about which one to pursue but a collage junior decided for me by asking for my hand in marriage. He gave me two beautiful children and almost 40 years to pursue my love of art. I've done just about everything that a creative person could do. Moving from one creative effort to another; lingering on some for years and others for a week or as long as a month. And during those times I've also spent many years teaching others my "art/craft du jour".

So where is this blog post going? Somewhere positive and creative I think. But I'm going to need your help to get to where I think I'm supposed to be but that post is for another day and time. Thanks for spending a few moments while I emptied my mind out on the page...Writing has always been cathartic for me and today is no different.
I'm feeling much more positive about my tentative decision. Stay tuned for details.

Bridezilla-The Final Frontier

As my BFF's daughter's wedding draws closer there has been a flurry of activity from what I've come to think of as a family cult. My friend's daughter is an only marrying into a huge family of six children plus grands and nieces and nephews. Their line of thinking seems to be if you don't belong to "the family" then you don't belong at our wedding. I, along with my sister and her husband plus a few of my friend's other acquaintances have been uninvited. We strongly expressed our feelings on how rude and unfeeling it was to not include the mother of the bride in ANY part of the preceding. She usually finds out about things AFTER they've happened via Facebook.

While Facebook is a wonderful vehicle for maintaining and renewing friendships "the family" cult has used it as a way to harass and embarrass my friend in public. There is a special kind of wicked glee they seem to enjoy while talking about their trips to the bridal salon or meeting with the wedding planner. My BFF is a single mother whose husband recently married a 33 yro old new wife. The stepmother (just seven year's my BFF's daughter's senior) has been especially involved, inviting the whole bridal party to get dressed at her house while informing my friend that she is not invited to attend but a car can be sent for her if she needs a ride to the wedding and reception. When my friend broke down sobbing and reached out to her 'ex' she was informed that "who is paying for it anyway?". She told him that since he left her to raise their daughter since age 12 they probably have finally broken even in the 'money spent' department.

I could go on with all the trivial hurts directed at my friend but my part in this fiasco has come to an end. I won't be attending nor will my sister and since the four of us constituted almost half of the 10 people she was allowed to invite I'll just have to wait for the pictures folks. Oh...do you think she will get any copies of the wedding photos? Probably not which is why I was taking the Nikon D90 to be sure she had at least a few snaps to remember her daughter's wedding. I've told her not to worry...she can attend the next wedding because this marriage seems doomed from the start. Why else would the bride post to her FB page: I can't wait till this wedding is over. Sounds like a happy bride to me.

Falling on Hard Times

Cleaning out my documents file I came across a .doc I'd written just over three years ago. Interesting perspective I had then and little has changed over the last 1,104 days but my faith. I am a stronger believer in a higher power than I was when the downward spiral began eight years ago. My level of empathy has also continued to spiral upward. No longer do I look at a poorly dressed woman dragging tired and worn clothing out of a dryer and think "Why doesn't she buy something new"? When I see an overweight woman my first thought isn't "How could she let herself go like that". The first thought when I see a bald woman is no longer one of repulsion but compassion.

So even though my circumstances haven't changed much, my viewpoint has and for that I am profoundly grateful. I have survived cancer, poverty and depression and still I am not defeated nor wallowing in self pity. I no longer measure time by man's clock but by that of a much higher power whom I am certain has amazing things in store for me.

June 12, 2006

I’ve often thought that if elected officials were forced to live as I have over the last five years, the middle class would be growing instead of disappearing. Healthcare for the masses would be a reality, not an impossible dream and those that sit in the seat of power would be doing more than warming their seat.

Since reality shows seem to be all the rage today, imagine a series where a Congressman, Senator or President was stripped of their cash and told they had to find a way to pay the mortgage, health insurance and utilities without the benefit of a regular paycheck. They would be forced to rely on wits not welfare. There would be no paycheck coming in at the end of the month but a guarantee of a mailbox full of final notices. Personally, I think it would be a phenomenal hit that would grip the country and keep them tuned in week after week. Should a producer decide to develop a reality series like that I’d be more than glad to be their technical advisor!

As incredibly stressful as the last five years of pinching pennies has been, it has given me a perspective that I would never have gained from the backseat of my limo. Having actually said to a driver ”Home James” (yes, his name was actually Jim) to be car-less is unimaginable to some but survivable by most. I went from riches to rags in a less time than it takes to grow a beefsteak tomato. How this happened isn’t as important as how I survived and eventually thrived. And wondering how the next mortgage and health insurance is going to get paid has left me with a strange sense of comfort. I’ve come to trust in a force much greater than myself and have handed over the illusion of actually being in control of my life.