Authentic Self

For years I've been secretly hiding a desire to go back to batiking. I fought it because it's not a popular art form...at least not in the rarefied circles that I inhabit :) But I'm not talking about your Indonesian batik, I'm talking about the Americanized variety that uses crayons, dyes and cloth. I practiced it 35 years ago. Had my first art show 35 years ago. Sold my first batik for $35 dollars 35 years ago. So what am I really saying here? That I want to go back to that style from the mid-seventies? The big turquoise poppies and the red calla lilies? NO! Absolutely NO! Those days are long gone and along with them an inauthenticity that even I wasn't aware of at the time.

I learned how to do American batik from a local girl who made it big. Sara Eyestone - American Artist. If you google her there are over 85,000 hits that reference her and her work. In the seventies I was young and I idolized her. I tried to be her in fact. And I failed....miserably! Even admitting that I learned the art form from her is exposing more of myself than even I am comfortable with because in doing so I must expose how negatively she impacted my life. She was my idol and my mentor. In my naiveté I believed she was also my friend. But even though that relationship ended badly for me it opened up my absolute love for Art and for 12 years gave direction for my work. Even if that direction was not my own.

Now 35 years later I'm ready to pick up the beeswax and brushes again. But this time what will emerge will be the authentic self. The real Carolyn, a Jersey Girl. The 61 year old woman who has survived breast cancer with dignity and is ready to begin again on a path of creativity that is finally my own. Where will this journey take me? Hopefully back to myself. To the real me who is scared of failing but is willing to try again despite my fears. And who is willing to say to anyone who is willing to listen...fear is our biggest stumbling block. Once we can get past our fears (of rejection, of failure, of embarrassment) the opportunities for personal growth are huge!

So tomorrow, when I would ordinarily be in church, I am going to pick up those brushes and touch them to my homemade paper and begin again. Begin something I consider sacred...rediscovering who I really am without the fear and the need for an idol or a mentor. My journey of self-rediscovery may be a bumpy ride and I may fall off the horse more than once but I hope that as I share my fears, failures and triumphs that I'll inspire others to rediscover their own dreams.

An Inauthentic Life

I recently started an ecourse with Kelly Rae Roberts. Her suggestion was to journal about our fears as a way of removing the blocks to our authentic creative self. Before I even had a chance to read her inspiring words I journaled this post while on vacation in PA.
5.30.2010
At 61, the whispers I've heard my whole life have turned to screams. All through life I've ignored their message because I've been in pursuit of money. Whatever I had to do to earn the dime, the quarter, the dollar, the hundreds of dollars at craft fairs, auctions, home shows, and yard sales. The money, always and in all ways it's been about the money.
First I had a father who wouldn't give me a dime that wasn't earned in some way. Then it was the husband who dragged me from one dream to another always depending on me to fill the gaps and stem the flow of cancellations, shut-offs and shortfalls with whatever art form I was involved with at the time. At no time could I afford to listen to those quiet whispers that told me to express myself creatively whether or not it brought in the money.
That's not to say that I haven't lived a creative life. I have most definitely been creative. For over 40 years I have found inspiration in many places and expressed it in a myriad of ways, all of which have brought me moderate fame and some money. BUT...all of the creativity that I have expressed has been 'borrowed' from someone else. At no time has it been authentic.
At no time has that little voice said "Oh yes, Carolyn, yes! This is what you were meant to do!" But wait...that little voice just whispered that's untrue. One time, oh yes, one time it was all about me. My authentic self was given free rein that summer of my 14th year when it was all about my love of sewing. I think of it as the summer of the Singer, the Barbie and Jake's Fabrics. Then, oh, then it was truly me being expressed through needle, thread and fiber. After that intense three months I continued on through high school with sewing and designing my own clothes. I've often wondered what might have happened when I told my parents I wanted to attend F.I.T. in NYC. What if they had said yes instead of an emphatic, NO! Would those whispers have become my authentic voice. Would I really have become the designer I longed to become? And now, 43 years later does it really matter?
I've done everything that others only dream of doing but it has always been me mimicking some other artist's work because it sold well and brought in the much needed money. But now when I listen closely the whispers still persist. Louder now because time is no longer a luxury. And they are saying ..."hurry, hurry...take the time to find your voice before it is silenced forever."

eHarmony.com

Who says that dreams never come true? Not my daughter, not anymore. I told her back in July to go on eHarmony for the 4th of July weekend. She tried it, liked it and I told her to join and I'd pay $60 for one month. I told her if she didn't meet the right guy in 30 days that was that. She went on a few dates with guys that were ok and had possibility but on the very last day of her membership they matched her with someone who was close to being perfect! That was five weeks ago and they have been together every day since.

I asked her if she didn't miss the 'thrill and excitement' of going out on dates to fancy restaurants and the movies. She said "been there, done that and this is better". This takes me back 40 years when I met my husband on a blind date and we've been together almost every day since ourselves. I guess the children really do learn by example.

Here's the happy couple earlier this evening when he gave her that lovely necklace for her 30th birthday. Thank you eHarmony!

RETURNS

I've got a bunch of returns to make to ACMoore and Michaels. And it all started when one of my Avon customer's bras didn't fit. Is there never a simple story in my life! Anyway a dear friend who fell in love with a particular bra asked if she bought two and they didn't fit could she return them. Absolutely. Because Avon guarantees everything they sell. So she ordered these gorgeous PINK Bali bras and racked up a 45.00 bill.

OK...since I'd had such a great campaign with Avon I decided to buy some cake decorating items from my favorite craft stores. One thing lead to another and I dipped into my 'profits' in my Avon account. When my friend tried on the bras they fit beautifully but were thin enough that her nipples showed through! She called up almost in tears because she loves pink, loves the bras but at 58 isn't interested in people staring at her chest...and she's a public speaker so guaranteed they would be staring and whispering! BTW...she's a GORGEOUS sized 10 redhead so the men would obviously be real keen on her new 'look'.

No problem to return them BUT I have to pay Avon tonight and she needs that 45.00 back and since I'd already spent my profits I figured I better find a way to come up with the money. So I started looking at my craft purchases over the last week and that lead to looking at the ones I made a couple of weeks ago that are still in their packages.......and........I thought...what the heck, I'll return everything and figure out a way to make do without all of this extra stuff!

Actually I'm kinda proud of myself. It's usually difficult for me to part with ANYTHING but especially things that were part of a 'dream' project. So I just have to change the direction of the 'dream' and I'll be fine. :( In the meantime I've got money coming back so I can refund her and have enough to pay for the Christmas gifts I purchased for the family on 'time' from Avon. I think this is why I didn't make it as an Avon lady 30 years ago...way too much temptation to spend, spend, spend! Off to finally eat breakfast, ttyl

BLESSINGS and Pink Ribbons!!!

I recently added someone new to my life. A buyer of my art who shared her dream of one day being able to paint herself. When I responded to her I said in part... "I've learned since breast cancer that tomorrow is never a promise and today is the day to make dreams come true...so go for it and enjoy"!

She has read my blog and my about me page and my world pages on eBay. By reading them she said that she could see how even through adversity one can find happiness. And she's going to start painting! And that my friends is the greatest blessing of all. Being a light in the darkness of someone's life and giving hope when one is feeling hopeless.

Perhaps this month I'll share my story of breast cancer. Since October is the official Pink Ribbons month it may be time to do just that. For now I'm off to bed with a prayer that tonight I'll get the sleep I've been longing for. God Bless!