Authentic Self

For years I've been secretly hiding a desire to go back to batiking. I fought it because it's not a popular art form...at least not in the rarefied circles that I inhabit :) But I'm not talking about your Indonesian batik, I'm talking about the Americanized variety that uses crayons, dyes and cloth. I practiced it 35 years ago. Had my first art show 35 years ago. Sold my first batik for $35 dollars 35 years ago. So what am I really saying here? That I want to go back to that style from the mid-seventies? The big turquoise poppies and the red calla lilies? NO! Absolutely NO! Those days are long gone and along with them an inauthenticity that even I wasn't aware of at the time.

I learned how to do American batik from a local girl who made it big. Sara Eyestone - American Artist. If you google her there are over 85,000 hits that reference her and her work. In the seventies I was young and I idolized her. I tried to be her in fact. And I failed....miserably! Even admitting that I learned the art form from her is exposing more of myself than even I am comfortable with because in doing so I must expose how negatively she impacted my life. She was my idol and my mentor. In my naiveté I believed she was also my friend. But even though that relationship ended badly for me it opened up my absolute love for Art and for 12 years gave direction for my work. Even if that direction was not my own.

Now 35 years later I'm ready to pick up the beeswax and brushes again. But this time what will emerge will be the authentic self. The real Carolyn, a Jersey Girl. The 61 year old woman who has survived breast cancer with dignity and is ready to begin again on a path of creativity that is finally my own. Where will this journey take me? Hopefully back to myself. To the real me who is scared of failing but is willing to try again despite my fears. And who is willing to say to anyone who is willing to listen...fear is our biggest stumbling block. Once we can get past our fears (of rejection, of failure, of embarrassment) the opportunities for personal growth are huge!

So tomorrow, when I would ordinarily be in church, I am going to pick up those brushes and touch them to my homemade paper and begin again. Begin something I consider sacred...rediscovering who I really am without the fear and the need for an idol or a mentor. My journey of self-rediscovery may be a bumpy ride and I may fall off the horse more than once but I hope that as I share my fears, failures and triumphs that I'll inspire others to rediscover their own dreams.

Sabbatical-Week One

It's been a week since I turned off the computer and turned back to my art. I have had a roller coaster ride of a week with everything from excitement to terror! More about all of that in a moment.
I've also started journaling...something I haven't done in a dozen years...at least on a semi-regular basis. When I was doing the Artist's Way I was a devout writer but after 9 months it was painful because the OA kicked up in my right wrist the more I journaled.
So here I am with a mini report of my week. I'll only hit the highlights because as important as this sabbatical is to me, I know you have better things to do than read the minutia of my every day life.
5.18.09-I have heard whispers from my true artistic self for years. Now when I need her to shout out loud she seems to have gone off line. At 3 pm, emotionally and physically drained I decided to do something I never allow myself to do except in times of illness...I took a nap!
5.19.09-Lots of ideas spilling out of my head as I awoke this morning. Took notes for future reference and then called up my sister and said...I've got money and a 50% off coupon...let's go to ACmoore. When I got back after noon I dove into the work and about 3/4 of the way in I could feel an artistic tingle. An excitement for what was starting to "BE".
5.20.09-The sky is bright as a blue robin's egg today. I'm sitting in the shade of some mis-grown trees, birds squawking for having their feeding time interrupted. I see a jet gleaming in the sun overhead as it propels its passengers to places unknown. Always, always the sight of a shining silver jet overhead brings me pleasure...I feel the excitement of places I can only dream about.
5.22.09-I have never done art to express my inner feelings and fears. Every piece was done with an eye toward how much money it would bring. After 40 years and limited success I see each failure for what it was. A loss of interest because I was not painting to express my inner feelings.
5.23.09-My daughter asked if I would paint a piece for her home. Make it something that would express what I am always 'preaching' at her. I have never had a family member EVER ask me to paint a piece for them. But my daughter...She gets it!

Sunday night, dinner finished but dishes waiting until I blog the FIRST piece of art for ME.

Fear Kept Her Grounded

Week ahead includes a stress test for DH. But mostly it brings a test of my patience. DD has a roommate moving in and the cats had to move out. One sweet little cupcake, Willie, and one feisty, scratchy brat named Bella have joined my four cats and one Chihuahua. Bella got in a couple of good scratches and has yet to appear from out of my craft closet but Willie has settled in. What's not to love about this little cupcake!

Willie
Wishing you all a creative week. Until next Sunday...Blessings from Carolyn, a Jersey Girl