For Mother's Day this year my children gave me an incredible present. An e-course that has changed my life! Kelly Rae's e-course (see the clicky button at the left side) has had a major impact on my life over the last few weeks. As has the results of my latest tests and scans...I'm FIVE years out from metastatic breast cancer and I'm loving life.
I wanted to share the letter that I posted on the group's page in it's entirety so here it is:
I haven't been keeping up with the comments OR the actual blog postings for the last two weeks. I actually got my 'money's worth' on day two!! I decided to shed my fears and take that leap. So I put away my need to 'be like everybody else' and make what is selling and to do what my heart has been urging me to do regardless of whether or not it will be financially worthwhile.
About a week into my internal dialog and constant sketching I've arrived almost full circle from where I started (media wise) but this time with my very OWN style, which was missing when I was doing this work 35 years ago. I'm going away on a personal retreat this weekend to further explore what has been sketched and journaled and I'm taking along all the weeks that I've missed reading here. It will add dimension and real world knowledge to my journey.
I've been in 'turtle' mode these last few weeks. It is what I do when I need to just shut down and listen to my heart. Most of the time my head interfered and told me that I couldn't 'afford' to do my own individual art and I HAD to follow the style that was popular and SELLING at that moment. If I were to think about it too long I might begin to regret all of those years doing inauthentic art. However, those other paths have brought me to where I am now with skill sets that are totally original. Skills I didn't have when I was involved in this particular media so long ago.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kelly Rae. You are the one who handed me the key to unlock those secret desires that were lurking there. Now I feel enriched, authentic and happier (art wise) than I've been in the last 25 years!!!
And one final word from this Jersey Girl...during all of my mulling over of my life's work I had to go thru a series of scans and tests. Six years ago this month I found a soft round lump in my right breast. In July of '04 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. The first oncologist I consulted told me I had a very slim chance of surviving for more than 18 months. I immediately chanced oncologists and this past Monday I got the call I've been waiting for. I'm OFFICIALLY FIVE YEARS out from beast cancer and the future is VERY promising for leading a long, long life. A long life FINALLY doing what I know in my heart I was born to do and hopefully along the way sharing MY journey for those still struggling to put their foot on their own path.
Hugs and love to you, Kelly Rae, and to all of these brave souls flying with us. I think that this (me) is what you planned this course to accomplish. And if I can finally be at peace with where I am going creatively then there is no reason why each and every one of you can not find your own life's journey...it's all about having the faith to take that first leap.
I'll be leaving in a few hours for some time alone. Hoping that all of you have a happy, creatively healthy weekend!!
I recently started an ecourse with Kelly Rae Roberts. Her suggestion was to journal about our fears as a way of removing the blocks to our authentic creative self. Before I even had a chance to read her inspiring words I journaled this post while on vacation in PA.
5.30.2010
At 61, the whispers I've heard my whole life have turned to screams. All through life I've ignored their message because I've been in pursuit of money. Whatever I had to do to earn the dime, the quarter, the dollar, the hundreds of dollars at craft fairs, auctions, home shows, and yard sales. The money, always and in all ways it's been about the money.
First I had a father who wouldn't give me a dime that wasn't earned in some way. Then it was the husband who dragged me from one dream to another always depending on me to fill the gaps and stem the flow of cancellations, shut-offs and shortfalls with whatever art form I was involved with at the time. At no time could I afford to listen to those quiet whispers that told me to express myself creatively whether or not it brought in the money.
That's not to say that I haven't lived a creative life. I have most definitely been creative. For over 40 years I have found inspiration in many places and expressed it in a myriad of ways, all of which have brought me moderate fame and some money. BUT...all of the creativity that I have expressed has been 'borrowed' from someone else. At no time has it been authentic.
At no time has that little voice said "Oh yes, Carolyn, yes! This is what you were meant to do!" But wait...that little voice just whispered that's untrue. One time, oh yes, one time it was all about me. My authentic self was given free rein that summer of my 14th year when it was all about my love of sewing. I think of it as the summer of the Singer, the Barbie and Jake's Fabrics. Then, oh, then it was truly me being expressed through needle, thread and fiber. After that intense three months I continued on through high school with sewing and designing my own clothes. I've often wondered what might have happened when I told my parents I wanted to attend F.I.T. in NYC. What if they had said yes instead of an emphatic, NO! Would those whispers have become my authentic voice. Would I really have become the designer I longed to become? And now, 43 years later does it really matter?
I've done everything that others only dream of doing but it has always been me mimicking some other artist's work because it sold well and brought in the much needed money. But now when I listen closely the whispers still persist. Louder now because time is no longer a luxury. And they are saying ..."hurry, hurry...take the time to find your voice before it is silenced forever."
