An Inauthentic Life

I recently started an ecourse with Kelly Rae Roberts. Her suggestion was to journal about our fears as a way of removing the blocks to our authentic creative self. Before I even had a chance to read her inspiring words I journaled this post while on vacation in PA.
5.30.2010
At 61, the whispers I've heard my whole life have turned to screams. All through life I've ignored their message because I've been in pursuit of money. Whatever I had to do to earn the dime, the quarter, the dollar, the hundreds of dollars at craft fairs, auctions, home shows, and yard sales. The money, always and in all ways it's been about the money.
First I had a father who wouldn't give me a dime that wasn't earned in some way. Then it was the husband who dragged me from one dream to another always depending on me to fill the gaps and stem the flow of cancellations, shut-offs and shortfalls with whatever art form I was involved with at the time. At no time could I afford to listen to those quiet whispers that told me to express myself creatively whether or not it brought in the money.
That's not to say that I haven't lived a creative life. I have most definitely been creative. For over 40 years I have found inspiration in many places and expressed it in a myriad of ways, all of which have brought me moderate fame and some money. BUT...all of the creativity that I have expressed has been 'borrowed' from someone else. At no time has it been authentic.
At no time has that little voice said "Oh yes, Carolyn, yes! This is what you were meant to do!" But wait...that little voice just whispered that's untrue. One time, oh yes, one time it was all about me. My authentic self was given free rein that summer of my 14th year when it was all about my love of sewing. I think of it as the summer of the Singer, the Barbie and Jake's Fabrics. Then, oh, then it was truly me being expressed through needle, thread and fiber. After that intense three months I continued on through high school with sewing and designing my own clothes. I've often wondered what might have happened when I told my parents I wanted to attend F.I.T. in NYC. What if they had said yes instead of an emphatic, NO! Would those whispers have become my authentic voice. Would I really have become the designer I longed to become? And now, 43 years later does it really matter?
I've done everything that others only dream of doing but it has always been me mimicking some other artist's work because it sold well and brought in the much needed money. But now when I listen closely the whispers still persist. Louder now because time is no longer a luxury. And they are saying ..."hurry, hurry...take the time to find your voice before it is silenced forever."

Sabbatical

I'm sitting here staring at the blank white screen and trying to figure out a way to begin. Someone brilliant once said...just begin at the beginning. And so I will.

For years I've been promising myself a May-September sabbatical. A time apart where I could find out what makes me, me! And every year the same thing stops me. Money, or the lack thereof. This year is no different. Money, as always is hard to find. But this year is different. I've found a way to escape and go on that longed for artistic retreat without changing my physical location. But to do that I have to change one thing. I have to leave the cyber world behind. Not forever because the lure of it is like a siren's song. But by changing the parameters of my physical location by turning off the computer I may be able to find the place that I long for each spring.
Initially I was introduced to cyberspace via a small intranet back in 1994. I was magically linked to the parents, students and administrators of my son's Charter High School, High Technology High School in Lincroft, NJ. This school, which continues to blaze a trail in the high tech world, opened a door to such a magical place that to even think of leaving it makes me doubt my resolve. The Net has always provided me escape and friends with whom I could visit as I chose. For these last 15 years, the computer and the unseen but very real world in the ether has been a huge part of my life. Subtly sucking hours of my precious time into its vortex. When I pulled the plug, literally, last Saturday I didn't know if I could live without visiting my groups on Twitter, Ning and Facebook. My blog has not been updated in two weeks and for that I felt guilty! It was then that I realized that something drastic needed to be done. That I desperately needed that Sabbatical that I have promised myself year after year.
Spending so much time on the computer has had me neglecting not only my physical world but my creative life as well. The artists that I have met thru eBay and Etsy have been wonderful but have left me in doubt as to my own creative abilities. Every time I saw a new technique or a new fad I would find myself running after it and trying to catch the wave so that I too could be in on the money that was being made. But the more I ran after the money the less I had and the lower and lower my belief in my own abilities has sunk. As I write this now I am at a crossroads. But there have been signs.
It seems as if the universe and all the fates converged in a single week. And it happened so simply! I friended an artist because I was intrigued by her avatar on Facebook. Following the links on her page to her website and Etsy shop I came to realize that this young woman had achieved in four short years what I have not been able to do in forty. And she did it by listening to her inner voice. That little whisper that nags at you to do something that comes from your heart and is not influenced by the emptiness of your pocketbook.
"Taking Flight" by Kelly Rae Roberts is now in hand. After reading the introduction I know why its gone into a second printing. This is a very smart and perceptive lady and she is following HER own muse, not one she has 'borrowed' from someone else. So I have decided that I need to stop running and looking elsewhere for my creative wings. They're here; within me and waiting to sprout and take flight. And so it is with a bit of regret but a lot of hope that I blog about this and lay myself bare for anyone who happens to wander by and stop to read.
To keep myself real and on track I am making this promise to you and to myself; I'll be stopping by every Sunday night to report on my progress of the week past and my plans for the week ahead. You, my dear friend and reader are what will keep me real with myself. Have a blessed and creative week and I'll check in with you Sunday, May 24th.