In the Beginning Grace

To be so consumed by something that you think sleep is an unnecessary time-out is to feel the passion of your art. Last night, for the first time, I used polyvore for something other than hunting and gathering great imagery. I made my first ever collage, called "In the Beginning". This morning I jumped on the computer to check my eBay sales and noticed that I had an extra tab opened to Polyvore with a collage I started and then abandoned earlier in the evening. I couldn't find its direction last night but this am it became quite clear who it wanted to be and "Grace" emerged with just a bit of coaxing.

"Grace" reminded me of a prayerful woman in a church lady hat I'm still in the beginning stages of this new passion but isn't that when the love is the greatest...when the thrill of creation is brand new?

Pay It Forward

Yesterday was Freebie Friday in my Digital Collage Diva shoppe on Etsy. I gave away 17 sheets and even got a few sales. Last evening my brother-in-law commented: "The problem with freebies it that they are viewed as having no value, think about it." His comment has value but as I said to him: "for me it was a win-win because I believe in PIF. And it WAS a great day. Not only did I get to Pay It Forward by giving something to someone without any expectation of monetary reward but I had a chance to make new friends and perhaps even some new customers.

One of my new clients sent this note to me: "Thank you for the free collage sheet! I love your sheets and want to purchase more! I believe in PIF too! What goes around comes around!" Her comment really hit home.

When I was younger I never understood that 'what goes around, comes around'...it wasn't until I was older and understood 'karma' that I got it! I've always tried to be kind to everyone but not everyone is kind no matter what you do for them. And though I'm not vindictive I've seen that 'karma's a b*tch' thing happen even though sometimes it takes a very long time.

Here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Nine years ago one of my husband's best clients (DH was an investment counselor) and a close church friend sued my husband. To do that this man had to be willing to lie about how badly my husband counseled him. Yes this man collected a substantial sum of money from my husband's insurance but the stress was overwhelming for both DH and myself. I was in the middle of my cancer treatments for breast cancer but I got on the phone to beg this friend not to sue us...that it would destroy my husband and I didn't know how I'd get through the rest of chemo with DH so depressed. This friend just laughed it off and I thought I'd 'won' him over. Two months later we got the letter that the suit had gone through. DH lost his license and his spirit was crushed. I was left to struggle through the rest of the cancer treatments without the support I needed.

Nothing happened to my ex-friend during the next few years. Life treated him well; he traveled, bought properties with his sons to 'flip', bought a new house and basically seemed to be living in luxury while we (now both unemployed) struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.

Eighteen months ago I heard that this old 'friend' had been afflicted by some mysterious illness that had the doctors puzzled. He was treated for various ailments until six months ago they found the root cause of his ailment...pancreatic cancer. I haven't seen him for years and it doesn't please me at all that he is sick but 'karma' or perhaps his own guilty conscience had finally come around all these years later.

Even if I didn't believe in karma or 'what goes around, comes around' I couldn't treat another human being with such blatant cruelty. Especially if it were for personal financial gain. I'm not angelic so yes I do lose my temper once in awhile but never at the expense of someone else.

Perhaps because of breast cancer I'm more at peace with myself and the world around me. I do continue to struggle financially but am working on manifesting a positive financial environment for myself and my family. It's tough to do at times when it seems that 'bad' gets rewarded and while 'good' gets stuck. But if Paying It Forward once in awhile can bring a smile to someone's face while putting a smile on my own I'll continue to do so. It's not making me rich but it truly enriches my life!

eHarmony.com

Who says that dreams never come true? Not my daughter, not anymore. I told her back in July to go on eHarmony for the 4th of July weekend. She tried it, liked it and I told her to join and I'd pay $60 for one month. I told her if she didn't meet the right guy in 30 days that was that. She went on a few dates with guys that were ok and had possibility but on the very last day of her membership they matched her with someone who was close to being perfect! That was five weeks ago and they have been together every day since.

I asked her if she didn't miss the 'thrill and excitement' of going out on dates to fancy restaurants and the movies. She said "been there, done that and this is better". This takes me back 40 years when I met my husband on a blind date and we've been together almost every day since ourselves. I guess the children really do learn by example.

Here's the happy couple earlier this evening when he gave her that lovely necklace for her 30th birthday. Thank you eHarmony!

LOVE HEALS

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog post. In the interim my daughter and I have talked. In fact spent more time than we have in months talking about her feelings.

She has been in counseling. As the psychologist told her, she already knows how to deal with this because of her insightful nature. And as my daughter said to me with great wisdom..."I do know how to get through this...it just takes time...Nick met every item on my 'list' except for the blue eyes...it's like someone died...but instead of losing one person it's like there was a major calamity and I lost an entire family".

So at the moment she's decided to concentrate on her career. I know she'll be ok but there are always going to be setbacks until someone or something keeps her so absorbed that she never slips back into the past but is soundly planted in the present with an eye toward the future.

LOVE HURTS

Love hurts everyone in the family when one of its members has been heartbroken without reason. I had another post in mind for this evening but because this is weighing so heavily on my mind I decided to get it out and 'on the air' so I could stop obsessing about my 29 yro daughter's heartbreak.

It's been seven months since her significant other dropped her via phone on their first anniversary of dating. He was the one who she had finally trusted with her heart and he not only stomped it and kick dropped it into the toilet but he gave her no reason for his rejection. I think the not knowing has finally taken its toll. She no longer wants to attend family functions, spends most of her free time either watching TV or sleeping and she's living her life as a lady in waiting. Waiting for life to happen to her.

OK...so losing the only man you've loved may not be an excuse to be come a recluse but I worry about the fact that it's happened as such a delayed reaction. At first she seemed like she was holding up and growing stronger. Then about 6 weeks ago I could see her start to unravel every time she mentioned his name. And she mentioned it more often then she had since it happened. I don't know how to reach her any more. All she does is obsess about why he stopped loving her. Especially when he swore that she could trust him because he would NEVER treat her like the other men in her life had.

So what do I do? I don't know, I really don't. I guess because I never loved like that; never really gave away my heart and loved someone beyond reason I can't understand her pain. But she is my daughter and I love her beyond reason so perhaps if she rejected me I would feel the same pangs of heartbreak as she does??? No, a mother's love doesn't stop with a child's rejection because a mother's love is forever no matter whether or not that love is returned.

But I miss her. I miss the sweet little girl who would hold my hand and skip down the street with me. The funny little urchin with the dirty face who could make me laugh so hard my eyes would tear up and I’d fall on the couch clutching my sides. I miss the young woman who would go shopping with me and say “MOM! that makes you look so fat”! I miss the young woman who glowed with such promise and passion. I thought that young woman would come to my gallery opening on 11.14. Instead an unhappy, thrown together waif showed up, looked around without interest and left without much of a smile.

I know it’s because my nephew and I were doing the show together and his girlfriend was there. I know it’s because my other nephew was there with his wife. I know it’s because everywhere she looks she sees couples but when she looks in the mirror she doesn’t see anyone anymore. She has disappeared and in her place is a lost and unhappy woman who doesn’t trust anyone. Not even the ones who will love her whether or not she returns that love.

So how do I reach her? The question haunts me because I know there is no answer. I can do nothing. I can’t repair her heart. I can’t kiss the booboo and make it better. I can only be there, when and if she ever decides to reach out and ask for my help. As for her lover, how do I feel about him? Do I hate him? Good question and an interesting one because he made me fall in love with him too. And not just with him but with his Mother and step father and his 88 year-old grandmother. I miss him, I miss them but most of all I miss my daughter.


Sweet Sixteen

Happy Birthday Mommy!

It's Mom's 85th B'day today. In an hour and a half my sister (the designated daughter) is coming by to pick me up and take the three of us to breakfast at our favorite eatery. The Side Door Cafe in Lake Como, NJ. Owner and chief cook, Lorrie Thrush, will make it a memorable experience, just as she always does! If you are ever in the area of Belmar, NJ do yourself a HUGE favor and continue south into Lake Como and stop at the Side Door. The food is fabulous and hospitality unsurpassed! Oh, and tell Lorrie I said HI!

So after breakfast we'll be going back to Mom's house and from her birthday wish list picking out things that need fixing, moving or cleaning. At 85 Mom does not need anything new, she's got an adorable cottage that is in perfect balance between old and new. I'm going to try and persuade her to discard her sewing room since she hasn't sewn a stitch since Daddy died back in '98. I think the room would make a wonderful reading nook and I'm going to work hard at convincing her of this.

Already have homes for the sewing cabinet, the treadmill and the quilting table she's got stuffed in there. But sssssssshhhhhhhhhhh...don't tell her I told you...we've got to make her believe it was her own fabulous idea!

I hate the thought of not painting today but I need a day doing something different so I can come back to it with fresh eyes. Happy Birthday to anyone lucky enough to be born on Mom's birthday :)
Carolyn, a Jersey Girl