Eyes Are the Windows to the Soul

Watching any loved one grow older is always a saddening experience. This last weekend was hard for me. My Mom has been going to her ophthalmologist of 25 years for the last six weeks complaining of fogginess in her right eye. He reached the point last Monday where he said I don't know what's wrong, you'll have to see another doctor. On Tuesday I took her to her cardiologist who said "have you seen an eye doctor? You have an infection in your eye". No joke...we've been telling her we thought it had to be something more than an irritation. Cut to the chase. My sister is leaving for a short vacation and I'm left in charge of Mom so...I tell her to call the ophthalmologist and tell him that you need to see him again STAT!!! She calls, he passes her off to a younger doc in the practice who does a thorough exam and says her eyelid is infected as well as her cornea. Come in Saturday at 9 am. In we go, she sees the pediatric ophthalmologist because he's on call and he recognizes right away that she has eye margin disease. Which is apparently what kids get when they get foreign matter in their eyes. So Sat & Sun at 9 am we had a date with the pedi optho and now today we're back to the young associate who first recognized the problem.

I hate to admit that I was getting rather annoyed hearing about her eye since the Dr. was basically telling her nothing was wrong. I even was harsh with her on the ride up telling her she was concentrating too much on that eye. When we sat down on Friday to see that new doctor I saw my Mom's hands shaking on her cane and realized she was afraid. Of me (wow, what a reversal) the doctor, and her own beliefs. I've been much more gentle and understanding finding that those big brown eyes, now dimmed by age, are infected. So now the aggressive treatment begins and hopefully the last reading she got of 20/400 will improve enough for her to once again be able to read. God Bless you Momma...I'm sorry for acting the brat once again!

FOLK ART FRIENDS

It's been almost two months since I posted to this blog. I broke EVERY rule of blogging! The first being: NEVER GO MORE THAN TWO DAYS WITHOUT POSTING TO YOUR READERS. So an apology is needed to all of you followers. Forgive the lapse but this long HOT, HOT, HOT Jersey summer has just about done me in! The day after day of 90+ sunshine is debilitating to say the least and I truly had nothing to say that would have added to your life experience. During this time away I:

Took Kelly Rae's e-course
Honed my illustrative techniques
Developed a new line of art work
Colored and highlighted my hair
And...oh yes...celebrated 39 years of marriage to the SAME guy!

So it's not like I wasn't busy but I simply had nothing to add to your reading pleasure until NOW. For those of you who are of an artistic bent, I invite you to join me over at my new ART ONLY blog. One of the most important things that was stressed in Kelly Rae's course was to have a place where a reader could watch your artistic progress and help yourself define your identity as a business person. I apparently set up this blog back in '06 when I was setting up this one and then promptly forgot about it. I stumbled across it quite by accident about two weeks ago and now will be posting there regularly as I develop my line of "Kitty and Cat" paintings.
So please venture over and follow me there as well. I'll be posting regularly to both but strictly my art will appear on that one. Enjoy the day ahead and be happy that you've been given one more day to experience this wonderful world we live in!

Finding the Sacred in the Ordinary

I have personal validation that I will never grow old! In gathering items for our three family yard sale, my sister and I combed my Mom's basement. In a box of 'garbage' I found this zip lock bag filled with 'useless' junk.

At the age of 61 I responded to that bag like an 8 yro on Christmas morning! I was so excited to open it up and see what was hiding in there. I have always been addicted to anything that can make a mark on paper. To some they are called pencils and pens but to me they are magic wands. Placing sacred lines on ordinary paper that then becomes art. So here are the results of what was hiding in that bag of useless junk.


Pens, pencils, erasers, fountain pens...Magic Wands!!

Notice the bottom one...a Bible Marker...when did you ever see one of those?



I totally LOVE nib pens and these holders are perfect for the dozens of nibs I already have!


The Esterbrooks will require some TLC but I've found a site for replacement nibs and ink sacs.


Far and away the best finds in my opinion are these marvelous vintage mechanical pencils! There are two Scripto brands for which I luckily have a box of vintage leads so these will be the "stars" of my future sketching...I'm in love...check out the logo on the best one!



I could go on and on about each of the pieces I found. They are sacred in my world and I know will add to the pleasure I find in sketching and drawing in the weeks and months ahead.
The next time you get ready to throw away some old 'junk' see if there is anything that can be re-purposed or salvaged and made sacred. In the ordinariness of our life there are pockets of the sacred that are often overlooked.
Just a last thought I wanted to share. Most of these were giveaways and are remnants of a Jersey Shore that no longer exists.

Turning Points

We all have those days when nostalgia rears up and hits us right between the eyes! Today it came to me while I was sorting through some old packing boxes that had been in my former studio. Back in the summer of 2004 I was diagnosed with breast cancer in early July. From mid-July until my mastectomy on August 23rd I spent the time packing up my studio and labeling the boxes. I was lucky enough to have the studio in my Dad's former childhood home so I just left them in storage on a back porch and walked away to deal with cancer and all of its ramifications.
The home/studio has been rented since by my youngest nephew, then my daughter and now my eldest nephew and the boxes shifted around, re-packed, etc. I realized it was finally time to confront all of the memories and junk they contained. It's been an evolutionary process.
I've found art supplies from as long ago as the mid-70's packed away with inspirational books, household supplies and your basic every day junk! I just unpacked the very last box and it contained nothing but books. Books I obviously have read over the years but never put to use in my every day life. I guess I thought that just by owning them, my life would somehow change. Here's the list of what was hiding in that last box...or at least the ones I intend to keep:

• Wishcraft~How to Get What you REALLY Want by Barbara Sher
  
• Anatomy of the Spirit~The Seven Stages of Power and Healing by Caroline Myss
  
• In My Wildest Dreams~Living the Life You Long For by Gail Blanke
  
• The Well of Creativity~Julia Cameron, et al
  
• The Power of Your Other Hand~A course in channeling the inner wisdom of the right brain by Lucia Capacchione
  
• Pricing & Promotion~A Guide for Craftspeople by Patrick McGuire
  and last but not least
  
• Flatter your Figure~Transform your figure with the next garment you wear! by Jan Larkey
  

There were also a bunch of inspirational paperbacks with Wayne Dyer in the lead for the most popular author. And it suddenly struck me...I am no farther ahead, no closer to my goal, no happier, no richer, no thinner, no more knowledgeable than when I first bought those books.
I guess the old saying is true: If you always do what you've always done; then you'll always get what you've always gotten!
So with this posting I am turning a corner. I'm making a promise to myself and to you, my followers, that in the future these blog posts will be about helping YOU and not about trying to change myself. I am what I am and it's just going to have to be good enough for all of us! Kelly Rae's e-course is responsible for opening my eyes on that one!
So I'd like to hear suggestions from the peanut gallery on how I can help you. What would you like me to share information about? Is there anything that I've said that you'd like more information about (excluding my kids and husband :)? I'd like to be here for those of you who may have questions about getting started on your artistic career because the one thing I have never tried to change is my desire to grow as an artist. I have 40 years worth of knowledge on all types of media and experience with gallery and juried art shows. I'm a resource that is willing to be tapped so let the tap show begin.
With much love I remain your ever faithful, Carolyn, a Jersey Girl.

Authentic Self

For years I've been secretly hiding a desire to go back to batiking. I fought it because it's not a popular art form...at least not in the rarefied circles that I inhabit :) But I'm not talking about your Indonesian batik, I'm talking about the Americanized variety that uses crayons, dyes and cloth. I practiced it 35 years ago. Had my first art show 35 years ago. Sold my first batik for $35 dollars 35 years ago. So what am I really saying here? That I want to go back to that style from the mid-seventies? The big turquoise poppies and the red calla lilies? NO! Absolutely NO! Those days are long gone and along with them an inauthenticity that even I wasn't aware of at the time.

I learned how to do American batik from a local girl who made it big. Sara Eyestone - American Artist. If you google her there are over 85,000 hits that reference her and her work. In the seventies I was young and I idolized her. I tried to be her in fact. And I failed....miserably! Even admitting that I learned the art form from her is exposing more of myself than even I am comfortable with because in doing so I must expose how negatively she impacted my life. She was my idol and my mentor. In my naiveté I believed she was also my friend. But even though that relationship ended badly for me it opened up my absolute love for Art and for 12 years gave direction for my work. Even if that direction was not my own.

Now 35 years later I'm ready to pick up the beeswax and brushes again. But this time what will emerge will be the authentic self. The real Carolyn, a Jersey Girl. The 61 year old woman who has survived breast cancer with dignity and is ready to begin again on a path of creativity that is finally my own. Where will this journey take me? Hopefully back to myself. To the real me who is scared of failing but is willing to try again despite my fears. And who is willing to say to anyone who is willing to listen...fear is our biggest stumbling block. Once we can get past our fears (of rejection, of failure, of embarrassment) the opportunities for personal growth are huge!

So tomorrow, when I would ordinarily be in church, I am going to pick up those brushes and touch them to my homemade paper and begin again. Begin something I consider sacred...rediscovering who I really am without the fear and the need for an idol or a mentor. My journey of self-rediscovery may be a bumpy ride and I may fall off the horse more than once but I hope that as I share my fears, failures and triumphs that I'll inspire others to rediscover their own dreams.

Kelly Rae Roberts and Taking Flight

For Mother's Day this year my children gave me an incredible present. An e-course that has changed my life! Kelly Rae's e-course (see the clicky button at the left side) has had a major impact on my life over the last few weeks. As has the results of my latest tests and scans...I'm FIVE years out from metastatic breast cancer and I'm loving life.

I wanted to share the letter that I posted on the group's page in it's entirety so here it is:

I haven't been keeping up with the comments OR the actual blog postings for the last two weeks. I actually got my 'money's worth' on day two!! I decided to shed my fears and take that leap. So I put away my need to 'be like everybody else' and make what is selling and to do what my heart has been urging me to do regardless of whether or not it will be financially worthwhile.

About a week into my internal dialog and constant sketching I've arrived almost full circle from where I started (media wise) but this time with my very OWN style, which was missing when I was doing this work 35 years ago. I'm going away on a personal retreat this weekend to further explore what has been sketched and journaled and I'm taking along all the weeks that I've missed reading here. It will add dimension and real world knowledge to my journey.

I've been in 'turtle' mode these last few weeks. It is what I do when I need to just shut down and listen to my heart. Most of the time my head interfered and told me that I couldn't 'afford' to do my own individual art and I HAD to follow the style that was popular and SELLING at that moment. If I were to think about it too long I might begin to regret all of those years doing inauthentic art. However, those other paths have brought me to where I am now with skill sets that are totally original. Skills I didn't have when I was involved in this particular media so long ago.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Kelly Rae. You are the one who handed me the key to unlock those secret desires that were lurking there. Now I feel enriched, authentic and happier (art wise) than I've been in the last 25 years!!!

And one final word from this Jersey Girl...during all of my mulling over of my life's work I had to go thru a series of scans and tests. Six years ago this month I found a soft round lump in my right breast. In July of '04 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. The first oncologist I consulted told me I had a very slim chance of surviving for more than 18 months. I immediately chanced oncologists and this past Monday I got the call I've been waiting for. I'm OFFICIALLY FIVE YEARS out from beast cancer and the future is VERY promising for leading a long, long life. A long life FINALLY doing what I know in my heart I was born to do and hopefully along the way sharing MY journey for those still struggling to put their foot on their own path.

Hugs and love to you, Kelly Rae, and to all of these brave souls flying with us. I think that this (me) is what you planned this course to accomplish. And if I can finally be at peace with where I am going creatively then there is no reason why each and every one of you can not find your own life's journey...it's all about having the faith to take that first leap.

I'll be leaving in a few hours for some time alone. Hoping that all of you have a happy, creatively healthy weekend!!